Hope & faithfulness

Two years ago, back in December 2016, I was recovering from cancer surgery. I would sit on the deck at home, reading, observing the world around me and enjoying the fact that I was still alive, although I was resigned to a life that was never again going to be as good as my pre-cancer, pre-heart disease days.

I noticed two tawny frogmouths would sit on a nearby magnolia tree branch in more-or-less the same place every day. I assume they went out hunting at night, but during the day they would just sit quietly.

Two tawny frogmouths 05 Dec 2016

For some reason I felt a strong connection with these birds. I imagined they were watching me looking back at them. We shared a time in which I gradually improved, regaining control of body functions and able to get enormous pleasure from eating my simple breakfast of banana, Weetbix, and soy milk.

It’s now December 2018. I’m still alive, and glad to be. A lot has changed over the past two years. Most notably, my mother has died and her ashes are sitting on the sideboard, waiting for my daughter, daiskmeliadorn, and her partner to visit at Christmas. We’ll scatter my mother’s ashes in the garden she loved, including under this magnolia tree which she planted in about 1975.

Last  weekend my sharp-eyed partner spotted my old tawny frogmouth friends back on the same branch of the magnolia tree in my back yard.

Two tawny frogmouths 01 Dec 2018

Optimism is not usually considered to be one of my strong points, but for some reason the reappearance of my old friends on this day has given me a renewed feeling of hopefulness. Perhaps I’m inspired by their apparent faithfulness to each other, although I’d probably also like to think they’re coming back to check on how I’m going!

I’m still hopeful of staying free of recurrence of that cancer.  I’m also hopeful that I can, with the help of my weekly dose of alendronate, gain strength in my osteoporotic vertebrae to the point that I can run again without risk of crush fractures.

About oldblack

ageing and decaying, misanthropic, cynical...black
This entry was posted in death, emotions, family, friends, injuries, observations, running and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Hope & faithfulness

  1. Anonymous says:

    Fabulous pics. Nice to hear an update. Even better to hear the hopefullness.
    -geowench

  2. Julee McClelland says:

    Great to read this. I’ve never seen tawny frogmouths, I don’t think. Are they owls? Glad you are feeling optimistic. Sitting and watching birds like that outdoors is a balm for the soul.

  3. oldblack says:

    Hi Julee & geowench! I’m always pleased to hear from you.

    The frogmouth is very like an owl, but it is apparently not an owl. Looks like one, makes little sound, hunts reptiles and rodents at night, etc.

    After I wrote this post about the frogmouth, something happened that made me very sad and depressed. I’m still pretty much in that state, but this afternoon I was sitting out on the deck again, trying to forget my troubles, when I saw that, as usual, the frogmouths were there in their previous spot. Their continuing perseverance gave me another glimmer of hope.

    • Julee says:

      Life is a bumpy ride, to steal a line from a movie. Ups and downs are inevitable. I hope by now whatever made you sad has passed, and am glad you have a deck to sit on and a place to contemplate the frogmouths. We are the ones who make ourselves sad or depressed or angry (my favorite go-to!) and I know as I am getting older (60 this past April) I am learning that I am in charge of my feelings. I have been going to an energetic healer and attending some Women’s Circle meetings (every other week) and am working on my own internal stuff. It’s something I revisit from time to time and have finally realized, in my late 50’s, that if you don’t continue to work actively on your issues you tend to backslide. At least I do! As I’ve been working on this stuff and trying to use some new tools, I’ve found I have been less sad and bored and upset and angry.

      You are such a smart man – I know you must have things you’ve learned or are interested in learning that can or have helped you with these internal conflicts all humans have to deal with. I wish you peace and emotional detachment in the New Year. XXXOOO!

      • oldblack says:

        Thanks for your message, Julee. What you say does indeed fit very much with my experience. I am working towards greater emotional detachment on many issues…in fact this was a topic we discussed as a family today (my precious daughter has ‘flown south for the winter’ – well, a few weeks of it, anyway and is soaking up a Sydney summer) and found we all agreed on the need to approach many issues with calm and distance. I am perhaps some way behind you, however, on the path to inner peace. Best wishes for your 2019.

  4. Julee McClelland says:

    I doubt you’re behind me at all! I think we all have our own path, and are lucky to meet others who are striving and at about the same level we are. More and more I have come to believe that the people we meet and tend to stick with for any length of time are in our lives because we have shared past lives/experiences together, and are on similar learning curves. I often learn something from your thoughtful posts, and know that’s why I had the good fortune to run into you and continue to be in touch. Calm and distance – not my best attributes, but in this decade (and at the end of my last one) I certainly began to have an inkling that learning how to be calmer and less attached to everything is, indeed, a wonderful way to experience my life!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s